Professor Checkett’s ENG 096 class. Nov. 2003, humorous-process essay.
Nothing Says Loving
Perhaps one of the most unnerving experiences ever in life is that of the first date. The above mentioned would explain the current endangerment of the genus and species: secondus datus. Such abstract ideas like manners, how to act or what fork to use, have haunted the existences of singles since the beginning of dating itself. Boring or downright idiotic conversations have been exterminating first dates for just as long. Many would say, “Just be yourself”; well, that may be wonderful for some who have a firm grip on social graces. But sadly, most individuals do not spend their time studying the usage of the ‘salad fork’. Fortunately, for said individuals, help does exist, and with a little help on how to maintain stimulating conversation, using good table manners, and treating a companion with respect, even the most dedicated bachelor or bachelorette can ensure a second date.
A wise man once said, “Time is money”. Well, if two individuals spend time together, either both entertain one another, or one is being paid. And unless the one has the assets and personality of Bill Gates, the latter option is to be avoided at all costs. So, the only recourse is to be entertaining. To start out, relax, be easygoing. No sane person wants to spend candlelit time with a piece of cherry wood, save of course for a beaver. So, calm down and breathe. Start by asking questions about a date, what they do, what their family is like, and when at all possible, make snide, horrifying remarks about whatever is said. Repeating and expanding on a conversation is a good way to prove attentiveness and remember what was said. For instance, “You like to go clubbing? Me too! I can’t stand baby seals!” would be a very acceptable reply, followed up of course with a cruel chuckle. Also, whenever possible, interrupt the conversation and attempt a complete takeover. Nothing says “I am interested in you” like pretending the only stimulating thoughts are ones own. One more good technique is teasing. How does a fisherman get a fish to bite? Tug on the line a bit! Pay little or no attention to the person across the table. Talk on a cell phone, or even better, make a scene by taking someone else’s. Or, flirt with a person across the restaurant; make your date struggle for attention!
Using good table manners is an excellent way to win the affinity of a date; moreover, table manners are an amusing and effective way of showing respect for the feelings of an individual. Good table manners starts, of course, at the table; begin by making eye contact and saying, “You know, I’m really glad to be here with you tonight, because I’m all out of cash, and I’m starving”, (every human being loves to feel needed).
Once a waitperson comes to take orders, do not allow them an introduction. Instead, jump ahead as soon as possible with a drink order. (No situation is more obnoxious than allowing a date to order first, putting them on the spot.) Continue with stimulating conversation and do not worry about proper tableware usage. A negligible agglomeration of the collective populace is aware of the astonishingly elusive fact that the justification for extraneous tableware is simply a preventative buffer for accidentally dropped or misplaced tableware throughout the course of a professionally prepared meal in an inordinately extravagant restaurant. Simply put, extra forks are extra. In fact, to respect a waiter or waitress, one is expected to always keep a server busy so as not to be boring patrons. So, should the opportunity present itself, absentmindedly sweep an article of tableware onto the floor. Wait until the server has picked the article up and is preparing to leave and then jettison another piece of tableware. Repeat as necessary until finally bursting forth into uproarious laughter. In the midst of all of this, try to look for the most opportune opening in which to pop the question that every date longs to hear. When the time is right, turn to them, look into their eyes and just let it come: “you gonna’ eat that?” If done right, the second date, and unfinished dinner portions, will be within reach.
As the great Aretha Franklin once said, “I’m about to give you all of my money and all I’m askin’ in return, honey, is to give me my profits, yeah baby, when ya’ git home”, a statement that holds as much power as the words of Buddha. A major missing ingredient in most date recipes is just a little respect, and any single who prepares a date without respect is cooking up a warm batch of disaster. Good advice on respecting a date is to remember one fact: people want to feel important. So whenever possible, make a companion feel in charge. Open a door for a partner and then, bow ridiculously saying, “right this way my liege” with a surly undertone. Or, when ordering, state an order and then ask “Is that okay with you?”. Another excellent technique is called the “open chest”. Pay attention for a time when a companion’s chest bone is left unguarded, then with a loud, almost primal scream yell, “open chest” and bash a closed fist into their bony upper section. If executed correctly, a victim will be left stunned and infectious laughter will ensue. Remember, if a technique works in the gym, the same will work on the dating scene as well. This somewhat elusive rule goes for flatulence as well.
Like anything involving the human person, nothing is for sure. Even the most well planned for and well-nurtured dating experience can go up in a burst of flames at a moments notice for any number of reasons. Two individuals must have chemistry in order for a date to go off without a hitch, and chemistry is simply something that either exists, or does not exist. Because of the uncertain nature of dating, the activity of dating is difficult and often intimidating for some; however with just a little help with finishing touches, any single can bolster the chances for a second date.
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